It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble there lies your treasure.
Joseph Campbell
The road to recovery can be challenging and life is full of inevitable and invariable set backs. Many of these experiences can really be quite a test of personal strength and character. For the many peaks and troughs that we experience in life, it does seem, however, that out of adversity, many incredible things can transpire. A quote by Richard Nixon that has stayed with me comes to mind:
Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.
When I wrote my latest book, Resilience – How to cope when everything around you keeps changing, I interviewed over a hundred people in order to really drill down and elicit the key behaviours of resilient people. I was in awe of some of the circumstances that people had faced and their ability to bounce back from adversity.
Working with the research, I identified ten guiding principles based on the information and evidence. Having had my own fair share of challenges and setbacks in life, little did I know that 2015 was going to be the year that I was going to be given an opportunity to really test out these recovery and resilience strategies first hand!
My learning curve presented itself to me at the beginning of the year. I had been to New Zealand to celebrate my parents’ sixtieth wedding anniversary, which was a wonderfully happy occasion, beautifully hosted by my sister. I had felt very tired most the time I was there and even more tired when I returned home. Putting it down to jet leg I plodded on until the end of March and then decided it was time to go to the doctor as I felt breathless and dizzy.
After various tests I was diagnosed with a very rare tumour that was actually growing inside my heart. The prognosis was critical and open-heart surgery apparently was the only way to proceed. For someone who is in good health and still in my forties it came as a huge shock. I remember a little pitiful voice in my head saying Why me? And then another little voice responded with Why not you? It certainly made me realise the fragility of life and how we never know what we may have to deal with. I guess we never really imagine things like this are going to happen to us until they do! The most significant thing I learnt was that whilst we may not be able to control some of our circumstances, we can absolutely choose the way we respond to them.
I think in many ways I surprised myself; you never really know how you will react in these situations and it’s amazing how resourceful we can be when we need to.
The next few weeks were a combination of fear, excruciating pain, morphine induced hallucinations, wonderment and enlightenment with a huge dollop of appreciation for every single person who nursed and supported me through what was an incredible experience.
I have learnt so many things and I can honestly say it has certainly taught me a few things about recovery and indeed my own resilience. It was without doubt, life changing, with so many defining moments. My life now has an extra special flavour with a stronger appreciation of how fragile and precious our existence really is. There were many things that assisted me in my recovery and here are some of the tactics that may be helpful to others:
It really is fundamental to recovery and, even though being positive during dark periods can be difficult, it is important to maintain a hopeful outlook. There is a huge risk when something difficult arises that you fall into the pessimistic trap of believing that everything is doom and gloom. So much of recovery and resilience is about how you choose to react to each situation and an optimistic perspective will most certainly help you through even the toughest times.
I think we always need to remember that whatever happens to us, it is not ALL about us! I was acutely aware of how my situation was going to affect other people. Around me, fear and concern was palpable. Being emotionally aware and recognising how you can potentially react in certain situations and how your reaction can affect other people is key to conserving valuable energy and considering others. Serenity became my focus and this was my mantra:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference
I have always loved the word probortunity, which is a hybrid between the words “problem”, and “opportunity” and embraces the concept of taking every problem situation and seeking out the opportunity. In hospital I used to play a game and every time my mind dwelt on pain or fear or negativity I would explore every positive alternative – somehow I felt a tiny bit stronger every time I flipped it around in my head. Progress was the name of the game!
One of the most amazing things about the experience I had was the connections that you make in hospital with other patients. I was operated on at The Bristol Heart Institute by an incredible surgeon called Alan Bryan. The nursing staff were fantastic and reaching out to others who were going through something similar was a very valuable part of the recovery process. The ability to be able to empathise and be empathised with was helpful. Knowing that you are not alone was so comforting. I think this quote by Emily Kimbrough sums this up well:
Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.
Winston Churchill summed this up perfectly. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” Being at the mercy of others during my recovery was challenging however learning to trust and let go was also quite liberating and a great way to keep going. A very powerful tool that also assisted my recovery was Mindfulness – it helped me to hold my life gently in the palm of my hand rather than trying to grasp and control it in a tight fist. That analogy for me is something that I have taken away from this experience.
Sometimes, it is important to learn to be able to just let go, relax and go with the flow.
The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived
Robert Jordan
My organisation The Learning Architect will be hosting the Resilience Zone. We are very excited about the The Little Book of Resilience that we have produced. Everyone who comes along to visit us on Stand A200 is very welcome to take away this complimentary gift. The book is full of tips and advice on how to be more resilient, positive and agile.